Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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