Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize