Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Randomize
