also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
