He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
