You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
