I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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