I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
