Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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