so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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