So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
