So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
