I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
