I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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