remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
