i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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