During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
