can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
