i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
