I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
