I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize