My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
