Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
