i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
