Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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