did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
