so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
