He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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