what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
