I'm so fucking centered right now
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
