Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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