I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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