I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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