Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize