i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
