I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize