This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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