Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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