i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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