Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
