so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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