I should be sponsored by Trojan
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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