Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The Olympian is in my bed
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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