just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
