Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
