He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
