i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
