mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Randomize
