I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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