my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
