I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
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