life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
