If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
