we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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