the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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