Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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