Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
