My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
